My Journey

(The following was written last night, April 10, 2008.)

After years of living independently from my family, I suddenly long for the presence of my parents.  The circumstance where I am now may have been an influence.  However, this is not the first time that I am going through a tough time.  I’ve been through high waters and hell on my own….

In my early childhood years, my parents would not even allow me to do household chores.  When I get sick, my father would be awake the whole night checking on me from time to time.  Both of them will not let me and my brother go to our neighbor’s house to play with other kids because we might get bullied.  They would rather go hungry just to provide for our needs.  In those days, so long as my parents are beside me, nothing can ever go wrong.

For some reasons, we parted ways.  I learned independence, surviving many difficulties without them.  This makes me proud.  I don’t long for their present until this very moment…I am in pain, "depressed", and alone.  I wish I have my parents beside me.  I long to have the comfort and security I have had years ago.  I ache to feel the warmth of their love–unconditional love.  They are not perfect people yet deep inside I know they value me like a precious gem.  Never will they desire that someone will inflict harm on me nor me being miserable….I never thought I will ever face this day of longing.  This makes me cry hard—my heart feels like it’s going to burst.

I realized that no matter how strong and level-headed I can be, at the age of 34, I can not set aside the truth that my parents are a part of my being.  They are an instrument why I am here.  Unfortunately, they are not beside me at this moment…I went away from them…the walls between us are so high…I missed them….like a little child, I cry out.

We are back in each other’s arms! Yes, I am filled with so much joy.  There is no other way but HIS way.  I rebel many times…proud and impatient.  I sulked in one corner in self-pity; found myself fighting the wrong battle.  But my LOVER has never given up on me.  I refused HIS love, "shoo" HIM away.  At times, I question HIS decisions, challenging HIM even as if I know any better when I find myself confronting HIM.  Finally, I’ve grown weary, almost dying if now of that distant light that has caught my sight….It has dawned on me that I haven’t lost everything.  In fact, I have everything–MY LOVE.

My LOVER opened HIS arms wide and hugged me tight.  HE whispered lovingly, "it’s done, sweety.  I love you always."  I’m clothed with radiance like a beautiful bride and I can stay forever locked up in HIS arms.  But my LOVER is real and practical.  We must work.  HE approves of my decision to get involve in those activities where HE is needed.  Truly, when one is in-love, the person is so high that he/she can fly  and move mountains.  Will this lead to marriage?  HE has been proposing but I remain defiant.  I feel that I don’t deserve to have HIM as my groom.  All that I desire for now after our blissful reunion is to stay close to HIM, assist HIM in HIS endeavor, introduce HIM to those who don’t know HIM yet.

I can feel the stir of the Spirit within me as I see the road before us.  It is not all smooth and wide but who care?  I feel secure and courageous in the knowledge that HE loves me always.  HE means the world to me and with that I will persist in sharing my life for HIS glory…

(The following was written during the Holy Week Recollection 2008 at the LRC Hall, Ateneo de Zamboanga University.)

Since I came to Ateneo ten years ago, retreats and recollections have been a part of my life.  I have an almost perfect attendance in these activities.  For me, it is a spiritual journey that enables me to go back to the realities of my existence.  I regain my sanity, as I put it.  In many of the retreats I attended, Father Chambers was the retreat master. He is quite effective, I should say, because I never fail to bring back home so many graces for which Fr. Chambers was the instrument.  At one point, on the occasion of my birthday during Black Saturday, he offered me to God and blessed me. 

It is his way of asking us to sing and highlight a phrase or word that has struck us to open each session.  He’s a good story teller.  It’s fun listening to all his anecdotes; in each of these anecdotes is a life’s lesson everyone can relate to…To conclude the retreat, he would make us list down the TOP TEN GIFTS we have received according to the degree of their importance.  His message–count your blessings; the secret of happiness….

Last year (2007), he was not our retreat master  but was the main celebrant during the celebration of the institution of the Holy Eucharist, Good Friday service, Easter Vigil, and Easter Mass.  We had a good laugh after the Easter Vigil mass because he "complained" of big ants "attacking" on him during the blessing of the fire.  He thought he accidentally stepped on an ant hill.  Despite of this, he appeared like he was not distracted at all during the entire ceremony though he forgot to sing the Gloria and the second reading! :)  We easily forgave me for that.  Besides, who could resist Fr. Chambers who is ever charming and smiling. :) 

Fr. Chambers is, indeed, a manifestation of Christ’s resurrection.  He has made a difference in my life–in my spiritual life…I’ve known God better through him.

The following was written during my retreat with the SRA sisters (Feb 24/08, 11:10 p.m.,Postulant’s cubicle)

Tearfully Yours….

Talking to You about my "lows" brings me to tears
In my "highs", You have the same effect on me–I cry
It’s funny, at times, I call it "crazy"
but nevertheless, I find myself tearfully Yours….

When I’m down, my heart feel squeezed
with tearful eyes I bring it up to You
In seventh heaven, with a heart that can only contain so much,
just as the joy overflows so are the tears…
Sigh…sigh…sigh…You and I talk it out–I find myself tearfully Yours…

Father, I’m Your daughter, You always
lovingly tell me that…
At the end of the day, I’m sought like a precious gem
Sometimes, I hide but You’re 100% sure
I meet Your embrace and I find myself tearfully Yours….

    Friendship is made more special by bonding moments that allow the sharing of life with and among close friends.  When one feels uninhibited to demonstrate his/her emotions–joy, pain, anger before an empathetic audience who understand and lets the person be, truly he/she is blessed.  I missed those moments……
    In those days, there were many times that I, Geraldine, and Kenneth would frequent the boulevard in the evening.  With Kenneth’s Toyota van, we would park on the roadside and talk anything under the starry sky with sound of the splashing waves in the background.  The last time that we were there was to comfort Geraldine.  She was crying hard and pouring all her heartaches and frustrations with her husband while I and Kenneth were staying close by her as if the mere heat coming from our bodies was enough to lessen a bit the burden she was carrying…..
    Park 88 and Mr Donut were hang-outs for "coffee break".  Yes, Geraldine and I would pass the time by sharing "girl’s talk", dreams and aspirations, frustrations and heartaches or at times, we simply sip from our own cup without saying anything and yet we know deep within that we feel for each other what each of us was going through…It felt good….Each "coffee break" was a reminder that amidst all, whether good or bad, the friendship remains…a celebration of life for such a wonderful blessing…
    I don’t go to Boulevard anymore…there were few times I’ve gone to Park 88 with others…I still frequent Mr Donut on my own….These places have been witnesses to a beautiful friendship….those bonding moments are only memories now which I love to reminisce from time to time…But I know someday, when the opportunity is there, I and my friends will never have second thought about renewing our bond in either of these places…..:)

One of my favorite subjects way back in college was business law.  I had three law subjects and modesty aside, the marks I earned for myself will not go below 90%.  Atty. Bacatan and Atty. Ruiz were my professors then.  Both are brilliant but Atty. Bacatan is one of the few teachers who made an impact in my life……

I appreciated Law the first time i took it because of him.  I remember him  with his beret  and attache  case.  He has his button down shirt neatly tucked-in in a pair of slacks that had been pressed well.  That "get-up" is really his’.  He radiated in him the passion for teaching because he was never absent nor late for our class.  He has a way of illustrating any provision in the article that made it easy for us to understand. As for the exams he gives, it’s one of the few I appreciate.  I always love answering them.  The items call for applying everything that has been taught to us in our Law class.  There’s no dull moment from the start of the exam until the end. 

Atty. Bacatan’s "impact" in my life, however, goes beyond his being the reason for my liking of Law.  During my senior year, there was an opportunity when I got to visit him in his class. If I remember it right, I was asked to bring a note to him and there he asked me if I’m graduating with any academic award.  I was not sure yet that time if I am but he congratulated me nevertheless.  I took that as a manifestation of a very personal teacher.  Someone who cares about his students and does not come to school simply to earn a living.  That simple "act" is so great that it has allowed me to recognize and appreciate the person in me…that after all, I’ve got the stuff…that I am significant….I didn’t get the chance to tell him that he’s one of those few people who helped me earn my self-esteem…

We became collegues in the academe but not for long as he has stopped teaching already.  Since then I have not seen him…..and never will I because he has returned to our Creator..When I recall how he was back in ATeneo the memories are as colorful was when he was still alive.  Immortality, yes, Atty. Bacatan has achieved that through the way he lived his life….the way he touched people’s lives…the way he touched mine….

Thank you Sir…that’s what I could have told him if he were here.

                                                                                        June 25, 2007

Dear Marketing 100 D students,

    Peace!

    First and foremost, I’d like to congratulate you for making it this far in your education in the ADZU.  Many dream to be where you are….many came but have to go because they were not able to "survive".  Therefore, to be here is a great privilege.  I can only imagine the sacrifices behind your presence in this institution.  Second, my sincerest thanks for not walking out on me last Friday (June 22, 2007).  You could have done that and never will I take it against you but you chose to stay.  That can only mean "respect".  Lastly, my apology for taking most of your time last meeting giving sermon instead of holding a class discussion as stipulated in your course outline.  I hope you can forgive me.

    I am very personal when it comes to handling my class.  It’s not my character to ignore or set aside things that do not conform to a certain standard.  In our case, ADZU’s standard. Yes, all of us are affected by it and whether we like it or not we must abide by it ‘coz if not, just like the experience of others who left ADZU, we will not "survive".  Worst, we will not be happy if we "rebel" against it or we feel that it runs contrary to our personal values.  How you are in my class deeply affects me.  Frustration is the word.  After the first activity, I realized that we are not serious with the learning contract you executed.  The activity was a failure.  Who is to be blamed?  All of us.  It’s not only your fault nor is it only mine.  It takes two to tango.  I was pouring myself on you last meeting because I wanted to find out where I’ve gone wrong in my approach with you.  I thought I was not asking too much from that activity but your response left me wondering.  I might have asked too much from you….The group activity allows you to meet and work with others.  It’s also intended to give you an opportunity to exercise your leadership skills and other talents you have.  It’s a simulation of a specific undertaking in the workplace (in an organization), your "future".  Each course in your program carries with it a training ground to prepare you to be globally competitive the moment you step outside the portal of this university.  How you converse, you actuations, manner of dressing, how you make decisions, you disposition, your writing and speaking skills plus the values of being of service to others–all these are part and parcel of how we train you to be.  You are not going to lose anything if you will give your BEST, right?  But after that activity, until now I am not over it yet.  Out dialogue last time didn’t answer all the questions I have in my mind.

    Up to this very moment, I am waiting for your letter telling me what you want.  How would you want to learn? Do you like to remain in Ateneo?  What hinders you to give your BEST? Are you staying in Marketing 100D?  You have a choice.  All of us do.  I made mine–I am sticking with my Marketing 100D and will give my BEST for the good of my students.  What’s yours?

    May you be able to come up with a reflective decision.

    Pro Deo Et Patria!

                                                                                                            At your service,

                                                                                                           ALELI A. SAAVEDRA
                                                                                                           Instructor

The piece below was presented in the class by Floyd’s group, a summary of the learning contract they drawn……

     And so we’re in Management class
    Willing to give what we must
    Respect towards the rest of us
    The best ideas that we could grasp
    Full cooperation, brilliant opinions
    A hundred percent in time in action
    An effort to its maximum
    We guess we’ll do just an optimum

    And so we’re here in Management class
    Searching inspirations to pass
    Factors that can motivate us
    To have above 90 grades in all our tasks
    The greatest of whom are parents beloved
    And then, our dream ambitions we have
    For scholars, their humble gratitude
    Our teachers toil for righteous fortitude

    And we we’re here in Mgt. class
    Many bad things, we need to stop
    The laziness that hinders us to the right path
    Class absences till we drop
    Prevent ourselves from bad habits to last
    And being always bored, we sat
    We watch out for some illnesses
    Of what we can’t afford

    And so we’re in Mgt. class
    We know we’ll gain so much
    Knowledge about business researching
    A lot more friends than we’ve got
    We’ll hear interesting stories a lot
    Of business success, present and past
    Of course, we want to learn in just
    We pledge, we’ll make no mess
    Promise, we’ll do our best
    And God will do the rest.

     While Floyd was presenting the piece I had goose bumps.  I had so much joy witnessing how talented my students are.  I didn’t require a poem.  All I asked was for a learning contract.  For others, I may be "overreacting" but really I consider this as one of life’s "miracles".  I am handling "business" students and yet I am blessed to have in my class students who share the same thing I like–poem and reflective attitude.

    In this teaching profession, source of my inspiration to continue in the journey is my students.  The "highs" and "lows" I experienced with them makes any endeavor more meaningful.  I just had my first "high".  Even if it will not be repeated what I got is enough to feed my energy….enough to sustain me as I share myself to them….

The piece below was written on May 30, 2007–the day my grandfather’s remain was buried.

While attending the burial mass of my grandfather this afternoon, I found myself reflecting on the things that would catch my attention.  I should have focused on the ceremony on hand but since it was one of those rare moments when I get to see my relatives and the occasion that brought them together after all these years, I gave in to my desire to observe them, how they looked like, behaved, and the impression they project.  I, myself, was not exempted from my own observation.  I had a funny feeling (more of a discomfort) all throughout the ceremony.  In the first place, I really didn’t want to go.  I was there out of custom and tradition.

Not all relatives were there but those present caused me to go down memory lane–back to my childhood days.  I remember those aunties and uncles whom I either admire or fear.  They have aged now.  I don’t have the old feelings and thoughts about them anymore.  The elderly who were once "mighty" looked weary and "surrendered" .  My cousins, those I was fond of when I was younger, had in their eyes the glow and hunger for life.  They are grown-ups, beautiful and full of energy.  But the "bond" that connects between me and them is missing.  I’m not sad nor happy about it.  I was an "outsider" witnessing an "outcome" brought about by change and who knew that what she saw was nothing "unusual".

I’ve seen my aunties crying.  Losing a lovedone is really painful.  Maybe the pain of lost was too much to bear.  Crying would at least ease it.  More painful when one didn’t get the opportunity to express the love to the person on those times when blood still ran in his veins and lifeful.  Only a lifeless body now remained–if only….Deep inside I was crying out loud to those with tearful eyes and "down" face, "when will you ever learn your lesson?!".  "He can’t feel you now."  In the midst of this tear-filled mourning, a guy was busy working with his camera.  Taking shots here and there.  What was he doing that for?  Did they want to remember Lolo upto that very moment when he lied lifeless in the casket?  Group picture taking was even part of the undertaking of the self-appointed cameraman–this group beside the casket; that one and another, all took turn to pose with the dead.  Why?  Maybe they wanted to document or "check" attendance of all those who came and showed sympathy and support……

A cousin spoke a message in behalf of the family.  "Death is a beautiful thing that has come because it brought everyone together to renew the "bond", he said.  Do we have to wait for a mournful moment to celebrate family reunions?  Wouldn’t it be better to stay connected when everyone is alive and able to express and feel?

The way Lolo finished the race was sudden.  He was old but I wonder if he was able to live life to the fullest.  Did he achieve his dreams?  Was he happy?  Was he able to reach the end without any "baggages"?  Only he knows…..All those who came to give their final respect including myself are yet to touch the finish line.  I wonder how many of us are ready at the end of the journey.  As for me, I am not….not yet.

Where and how I spent most of my day yesterday was in a "welcome and goodbye" atmosphere.  The mood was all festive and joyous.  I was with my new found community, the Queen of the Apostles Lay Associates and together we joined the Queen of the Apostles in the big celebration of the first profession of  vows  of  the  three sisters,  the visit of the  Mother  General , Sr.  Goretti,  and  the  "despedida"  of  the  Mother  Superior,  Sr.  Rheineilde.

In my thiry-three years, the lay associates is the first community outside Ateneo to which I gave my YES.   I feel deep inside that the opportunity did not happen by chance.  I am called to be part of it.  More so, I am one among the few pioneering members of the community.  I was there when we formulated our vision and mission.   I was, then, soaring high when I met the whole Philippine delegation and Mother General and joined in their celebration yesterday.  I find it so amazing that HE gave me another family who shares the same "personal" vision as mine–to be an instrument of love and peace.

Every sister of the SRA Missionary was radiantly beautiful as my eyes roam from one sister to the other.  Their faces were void of all make-ups.  Their clothes were not those trendy sets but they stood out in the crowd.  Theirs were the most glowing faces and best fashion wears.  The moved with such grace that showed both their feminine and masculine sides–their softness and toughness.  I believe that it’s the simplicity that made them such and the happiness and contentment  they get from leading a life of humble service to the people.

Witnessing the "welcome and goodbye" was a grace-filled moment for me.  Although there were times that I found my thoughts sailing through the reality of the other side of my world I had most of my attention to the occasion on hand and savored it.  I was personally celebrating my "welcome and goodbye" through this new community I’ve found myself with.  "Welcome"  to  a  life of obedience to HIS will and service to others outside Ateneo; "Goodbye" to a "materialistic" life.