My Journey

The piece below was written on May 30, 2007–the day my grandfather’s remain was buried.

While attending the burial mass of my grandfather this afternoon, I found myself reflecting on the things that would catch my attention.  I should have focused on the ceremony on hand but since it was one of those rare moments when I get to see my relatives and the occasion that brought them together after all these years, I gave in to my desire to observe them, how they looked like, behaved, and the impression they project.  I, myself, was not exempted from my own observation.  I had a funny feeling (more of a discomfort) all throughout the ceremony.  In the first place, I really didn’t want to go.  I was there out of custom and tradition.

Not all relatives were there but those present caused me to go down memory lane–back to my childhood days.  I remember those aunties and uncles whom I either admire or fear.  They have aged now.  I don’t have the old feelings and thoughts about them anymore.  The elderly who were once "mighty" looked weary and "surrendered" .  My cousins, those I was fond of when I was younger, had in their eyes the glow and hunger for life.  They are grown-ups, beautiful and full of energy.  But the "bond" that connects between me and them is missing.  I’m not sad nor happy about it.  I was an "outsider" witnessing an "outcome" brought about by change and who knew that what she saw was nothing "unusual".

I’ve seen my aunties crying.  Losing a lovedone is really painful.  Maybe the pain of lost was too much to bear.  Crying would at least ease it.  More painful when one didn’t get the opportunity to express the love to the person on those times when blood still ran in his veins and lifeful.  Only a lifeless body now remained–if only….Deep inside I was crying out loud to those with tearful eyes and "down" face, "when will you ever learn your lesson?!".  "He can’t feel you now."  In the midst of this tear-filled mourning, a guy was busy working with his camera.  Taking shots here and there.  What was he doing that for?  Did they want to remember Lolo upto that very moment when he lied lifeless in the casket?  Group picture taking was even part of the undertaking of the self-appointed cameraman–this group beside the casket; that one and another, all took turn to pose with the dead.  Why?  Maybe they wanted to document or "check" attendance of all those who came and showed sympathy and support……

A cousin spoke a message in behalf of the family.  "Death is a beautiful thing that has come because it brought everyone together to renew the "bond", he said.  Do we have to wait for a mournful moment to celebrate family reunions?  Wouldn’t it be better to stay connected when everyone is alive and able to express and feel?

The way Lolo finished the race was sudden.  He was old but I wonder if he was able to live life to the fullest.  Did he achieve his dreams?  Was he happy?  Was he able to reach the end without any "baggages"?  Only he knows…..All those who came to give their final respect including myself are yet to touch the finish line.  I wonder how many of us are ready at the end of the journey.  As for me, I am not….not yet.

Where and how I spent most of my day yesterday was in a "welcome and goodbye" atmosphere.  The mood was all festive and joyous.  I was with my new found community, the Queen of the Apostles Lay Associates and together we joined the Queen of the Apostles in the big celebration of the first profession of  vows  of  the  three sisters,  the visit of the  Mother  General , Sr.  Goretti,  and  the  "despedida"  of  the  Mother  Superior,  Sr.  Rheineilde.

In my thiry-three years, the lay associates is the first community outside Ateneo to which I gave my YES.   I feel deep inside that the opportunity did not happen by chance.  I am called to be part of it.  More so, I am one among the few pioneering members of the community.  I was there when we formulated our vision and mission.   I was, then, soaring high when I met the whole Philippine delegation and Mother General and joined in their celebration yesterday.  I find it so amazing that HE gave me another family who shares the same "personal" vision as mine–to be an instrument of love and peace.

Every sister of the SRA Missionary was radiantly beautiful as my eyes roam from one sister to the other.  Their faces were void of all make-ups.  Their clothes were not those trendy sets but they stood out in the crowd.  Theirs were the most glowing faces and best fashion wears.  The moved with such grace that showed both their feminine and masculine sides–their softness and toughness.  I believe that it’s the simplicity that made them such and the happiness and contentment  they get from leading a life of humble service to the people.

Witnessing the "welcome and goodbye" was a grace-filled moment for me.  Although there were times that I found my thoughts sailing through the reality of the other side of my world I had most of my attention to the occasion on hand and savored it.  I was personally celebrating my "welcome and goodbye" through this new community I’ve found myself with.  "Welcome"  to  a  life of obedience to HIS will and service to others outside Ateneo; "Goodbye" to a "materialistic" life.

I said this prayer during one of my solitude moments with HIM.

    When back to the outside world it’s quite easy to ignore Your presence with all the noise and day-to-day tasks.
    I pray that as I carry on with the greater mission You chose me to carry out the grace of HUMILITY I will receive and keep.
    With HUMILITY of heart never again will I fail to recognize the truth that You are the source of everything and the reason for my existence.
    The reality of life is one not void of pains.  The journey is full of rugged and rocky  roads, blind curves, winding and narrow paths but You offered Your Son once to save man from ultimate destruction and promised a new life.
    You did it before You will do it again and again.  That is, to offer refuge when I encounter great difficulties.  Finding You even in my most difficult moments shall sustain me in my mission.
    Patience, understanding, kind words, loving gestures are those I want to manifest boldly as I interact with others.
    To be grateful of the many gifts I receive everyday and sharing them to others in a way that they, too, will be inspired to do the same.  There is no such thing as "I am doing all these for myself" because the glory is Yours not mine.
    I am going out as a SERVANT to do Your will, thus, I am only accountable to You.
    Give me always the grace to conquer myself, to seek to do things that are bigger than myself.  And in my ups and downs, to remain beautiful inside and out…:)
    AMEN.